In this, the latest, high octane ride through the rancid quagmire that is his life, Mr Sloane reflects on absence, abstinance, absinthe and Ted Bovis...

"...Ah, hello once again dear hearts! I trust that things have been well since my last interventions and moral platidtudes..? Yes, I know it's been a long time but - believe it or not - I have been busy! Yes...it is true...

During these long weeks during which we've been apart, I have been on many fruitless searches for pictures of long forgotten quiz show hosts and sitcom stars...You try and google 'Lenny Bennet' and see what you get!!!

"Why was he doing that?" I hear you gasp..."Who the fuck is Lenny Bennet?" ...No-one knows...But, apparently, someone out there still looks back fondly on Hi-De-Hi and its head of entertainments, Mr Ted Bovis...Look...there he is...Large as life and twice as handsome, as my dear old mum used to say...

Haha!

What Larks Pip!

Anyway...Honestly, I have been doing shit on Dreamweaver - everybodys favourite website making program, and purusing the many, guilty joys that the internet has to offer...

I was also, coincidentally, guilty of suffocating someone...

I also had a hellish journey to Heathrow airport to meet an old friend from Camp Easter Seals-West, and had an evening trying not to look at a Northern girl and her fantastic new boyfriend...Yes...I realise it was a long time ago but I can't seem to let stuff go, me...

...So...oh yes...Absinthe! I'd like some of that...not this pissy shit they flog in trendy winebars in Angel for £6 a shot to media arseholes with fat wallets and small penises...No...I want the Van Gogh-80% proof stuff with the extra wormwood!!! Line 'em up, and let's see them green-eyed faeries...

"Fare thee well, fuckers - I leave you with a heavy heart!" - Richard Nixon, 1974...

love etcetera, sweetcheeks...

Lxxx"