Entertaining Lawrence Sloane

2007-03-20T12:36:00.000Z

In this, his latest long overdue blog, Mr Sloane argues the case for dodgy photoshop filtration, the wonders of Welwyn Garden City and his fears concerning an imminent relocation...

"...good afternoon dearhearts!

It feels like years since we've conversed via the t'internet by way of my twittering, nay meandering blog-type missives...

...how have you coped without me?

Never fear you cowering fuckers, Mr Sloane is here to alleviate your boredom through his hilarious musings on his shit life!

Yes...I am!

Ha-Ha!

I still don't know who you are, btw...

Anyway, enough of this guff-age and back to the matter in hand...namely what the fuck is that filter doing on my luvingly grafted image of the Campus West roundabout in the heart of my native WGC??? I don't recall being that blase when I actually did it - but then it was a while ago now, so who knows, eh??? Anyway, never fear...with one click of me mouse in photoshop I can easily remedy the psychometric effects rendered through the filtration unit in said progarm, and return the scene to a beautiful panorama of browns and russets...

...Ah...

Welwyn Garden...

...with your one way 'block' system through Howardsgate, your tree lined avenue and dispossessed youth...

your Campus West library/entertainment venue and your over-crowded taxi rank...

your reliance on being twenty minutes from Kings Cross St Pancras and your neglecting of local industry...

your sacrifice of the working man whom you so lovingly embraced in the post-war years in favour of city types who merely sleep here en route to the office...

I dream of Pat McConnell, found stabbed to death round the back of Kentucky Fried Chicken...

I dream of Sir Ebenezer Howard giving felatio to Sir Frederick Osborn while Louis De Souissons looks on bemused...

I imagine a day when the entire, fucking place will destroy itself by way of an apocolyptic council newsletter focusing on youths, street crime and provision for the elderly...

my town...

new town...

Still...My sights are now set upon the filthy, degrading yet honest streets of sunny Luton, where I shall be moving to at the end of the month...I have a shiny new flat close to the train station that I can't really afford and am suffering from slight trauma at the thought of pissing a lot of cash up the proverbial wall...But on the flip side I am looking forward to a place of my own, being able to leave my 'ART' work out all over the floor if I want to and entertaining female company without me mum bursting in half way through with tea and biscuits!!!

...So, it's all go in the life of the Sloane...Maybe I can even set into motion my dreams of an internet based chat show????

...In the words of Stephen Hawking, "The possibilities are endless."...

"Luton is a fucking shithole" - Ken Fosset Jr

"Up the workers" - Lord Jeffrey Archer (disgraced)

Ta-tah for now...

Lx"

Too long compadres, too long...

2007-02-09T15:53:00.000Z

In this, his latest blog, Mr Sloane considers his fragile place in the universe, Frank Sidebottom and the joy inherent in larking about in snow...

"...Good afternoon fellow internet obsessives! Are you inside, sheltering from the snow?? Just flicked on the old computer to seek solace and enlightenment via jerky imagery of young girls playing with their bra-straps???

...or are you enjoying playing about in the snow??? You might have one of them new fangled 'lap-tops'...that work in the same way as a tea-tray...but with quick time!

...Ha-Ha!

...Isn't snow luvverly, eh? Cold...but lovely...

...I haven't urinated on fresh snow for many years, so Thursday mornings white blanket gave rise to my creative juices flowing...through my urethra...in a beautiful golden arc...

So!!!??? Did you make it to my first ART-Y exhibition then? 'Course you fucking didn't! You fucking bastards!!!

...who are you anyway?

...still, it was all right...there was wine & pringles...the crisps not the golfing knitwear...

...And I smashed something up...very liberating...Still, next time...come! I might not be here long...life is fleeting dntcha know...

Hey!!! And I'm now best mates with Frank Sidebottom...the Scally from Timperton with the cartoon head...

...well, I'm one of his 7thousand-odd friends...

Ha-Ha! Stay tuned 'friend'...I'm set for big things this year...

Johnathan Cainer told me so...

Lx

2006-12-18T12:49:00.000Z

Sloane speaks again...again!

Here Larry can be seen disecting a poorly conceived visual joke involving pornography and the latest issue of FRIEZE magazine, cursing the Japanese and berating his apparent lack of earholes...

2006-11-03T20:43:00.000Z

Sloane speaks again...

Mr Sloane caught washing up in his mother's kitchen, ruminating upon David Cameron, unpenetrable mashed potato and Status Quo...

2006-10-14T10:39:00.000+01:00

Sloane speaks...

...A rare treat indeed - Mr Sloane messing about in his mother's box-room ruminating upon the varied pleasures to be found in Raymond Winstone, low cholesterol breakfast cereal and caged Russian bears...WARNING: MAY CONTAIN NUTS & BAD LANGUAGE

2006-10-12T09:33:00.000+01:00

...in this, yet another dissappointing addition to this seemingly vacuous blog, Mr Sloane discusses the reason for his absence - again!! - David Blunkett and how famous persons seem to die in threes...

"...ah, good morning dearhearts! Many heartfelt greetings, warm wishes and salutations I bestow unto you this fine October morn! Yet again it seems far too long since we have been together - you in front of a screen wondering why the fuck I am bothering, and me, sat in front of a screen wondering who the fuck you are to wonder about my innocent, nay naiive, motives...

...I've gone down this route before and, needless to say, I don't think it portrays either of us in the best light now does it..?

Let's just draw a line under it and move on...

...okay? Good...

...so, where was I??? Oh yes, I was bestowing healthy doses of shmaltzy good cheer to you - my faithful readers - before embarking on another rant of bitterness...just to ease you in like...

Several things have happened since I last did one of these...I went to a wedding - which was very nice too...although my attempts at small scale seductions were once again found remiss! (Why oh why..?...next time I shall endeavour not to take my cock out during the birdie song...? Haha! That was a joke - it was on display for the entire evening, lying flaccidly to the left, on my forehead!)...

...there was also the tragic death of Stevo Irwin - whom I had, incidentally, impersonated during my second summer at Camp Easter Seals-West, rolling around with an inflatable, plastic crocodile in the creek while screaming out "She's a real beauty!" in my best Aussie accent...

...A day or so later there was the Richard Hammond incident, which made me think of that old showbiz chesnut of 'The Curse of the Three' - which isn't a Sherlock Holmes mystery but is a tenuous theory that celebs seem to pop off in threes...(I think this was born out in the 80s when Tommy Cooper, Eric Morcambe and someone else...Dustin Gee? all snuffed their wicks in the same week, thus allowing the spectre of Ben Elton the take over the BBC)...

...I was avidly waiting for the Hamster to snuff it, keeping the tv tuned to news 24 hoping to hear of some other sleb to bite the dust - Jodie Marsh..? That twat out of Boyzone..?...But then there was news that Hammond was recovering and the theory crumbled like the pile of nonsense that it is...superstition and claptrap...

...I am glad that Hammond is alright though...

...Oh yes, that beardy tosser Blunkett is back in the spotlight again with his new poorly written autobiography written with the aid of his dog, imaginatively entitled, 'Blunkett'...( I may be wrong here - but I really couldn't give two hoots!)...Luckily for those of us who wouldn't go near such a piece of shameless self-pitying garbage, excerpts have been published in that well-known socialist rag the daily mail...What larks!

...Incidentally I have recently experimented with the remarkable new technology called a video camera - spurred on by the mighty chinless wonder, Cameron, and cockney gut-bucket Ray Winstone - I have one very unremarkable post on YOUTUBE and am having difficulty uploading message two, in which I am washing up and singing Status Quo...Look for 'LarrySloane' and wonder what the hell is missing from my life...

...I do swear a little bit on it though...

So, all in all, I have been busy doing very little - just like you!

"She's going...she's going..." - Donald Campbell

"Fuck me! She's a beaut!" - Steve Irwin

Take care and sleep well, 'til the next time friend,

Lx"

2006-08-15T16:53:00.000+01:00

In this, his latest, much awaited & spectacularly over-due posting, Mr Lawrence Sloane disscusses the validity of google images, clothes that no longer fit and the pleasure that is inherent through the drinking of cheap red wine on a Tuesday afternoon...

"Good afternoon dear hearts! I trust that you are well..? Yes...? Good. Let's get away from all this small talkage and on to the real crux of the issue in hand...Namely, why I have been away from you, my adoring public (hah!!!), for this abnormal length of time...I shall address this burning question of yours thus:

'Just who the fuck are you anyway???'

Hahaha!

Only kidding...I know who you are - just as long as you can swear that you know who I am...Let's just say that I have been reticent to do any more of this 'blogging' business...or you could say I've been lazy, or idle, or jaded, or cynical or scaredorconfused.com"...I just want to consolidate all my existing loans into one giant,fuck-off,ball-bustingloanheavy enough to crush the Hef's scotal pillows..."

Any of the above will suffice...

Incidentally, before I get onto whether or not it's ethical, morally speaking, to falsely name your images while uploading them - thus leaving lazy researchers like me ending up with crudely modelled museum-type apes when I'm after real, true to life chimps - I would like to mention that I have been involved in the preparations for a new gallery based in famed 1980's riot hotspot Luton. I am planning to have a studio there in the near future...which should be nice...And it will save me following the lead of that early tabloid sensationalist Modigliani, and having to sleep in bins for the sake of my art...

...arf arf...snigger! ART!!???!!

So...yes...where was I??? Oh yeah...wine in the afternoons...well, I feel cheap, squalid, unmotivated and too fat to be an artist - not to mention the bulbous nose and lack of sexual encounters - so I might as well get pissed up like what they did in Paris and 'The Rebel' (incidentally, I still maintain that Tony's self portrait is rather appealing...).

...I have to do more sit-ups too...I once heard that Olivia Newton-John did a 1,000 of the buggers a day...Where would I find the time for the vino and the ER re-runs??? I'll just have a check on e-bay for an unwanted abdominiser from the early nineties...or one of those vibrators you can wear on the train...

Haha! No, not one of those vibrators...Haha!!! I think they are called 'Chinese Love-balls' and are available on line...

Oh well...I shall endeavour to do one of these a week in order to give me something to do and hopefully some shit insight into a desperate man's life at the beginning of the 21st century...

"Whaoah-ooh Black Betty, baom-ba-baom" - fuck knows...

Sleep tight and just be thankful that you've made it through the day without doing a Mel Gibson...

All the best etcetera,

Lx"

"Pictures are dead, and the toe is heal-ed..."

2006-06-10T11:14:00.000+01:00

In this, the latest instalment of a blog that no-one has ever read, Mr Sloane disscusses a recent trip to an MA show, why pictures are now dead, the exact purpose of myspace and the joy inherent in a scouser's miraculous recovery from a laughable injury...

"Ah...good morning my dear on-line chums!!! How has life been treating you these past weeks??? Well, I trust...

So, it has again been far too long between appointments - blame it on the sunshine and my dull, anti-celebrity, detox, no fucking life-style...I can only bitch about being alone for so long, now...

Today is an exciting day friends, truly...the sun is shining, I had a very satisfying bowel movement - what my old collegues at Camp Easter-seals would call a "Happy Day" - and England are due to play their first game in the world cup in a couple of hours...Yes, to allow oneself to be swallowed up in the media-led hoopla of monkeys wearing red and white, screaming at plasma screens, hugging strangers (then glassing them in the toilet cubicle at half-time) and urinating upon our fair, cobbled streets only comes along once every four years...

And the scouser's toe has apparently healed completely - a miracle comparable to that David Copperfield geezer making the great wall of China dissappear behind a velvet curtain and the time that bearded bloke walked on the water - Hahaha!!! No, not Justin Lee Collins...I'm talking of old man Jesus here folks, wakka-wakka...

Away from all this shit is located the Slade school of art, just around the corner from Euston Station...I went to an exhibition of work by the Ma students and I have come to a simple, nay simple-minded, conclusion...that pictures are dead!

Long live installations made from cheap plywood, super-8 film projected onto white objects and trips to the toilet that are more interesting than most of the exhibits...It is in their honour - these future Goyas, Rembrandts and Vic Reeves's - that I have not included a picture with this blog...Just empty space and a shit one-liner...

...very apt...

...Oh yes...myspace - I realise that it is a very good place to look up people who purposely want you out of their life and to compare yourself with their new, cool & handsome 'on-line' network etc blah...Basically it's a very good way to begin stalking at a distance and to ensure that you never let things go...Myspace sucks cock, folks!! Btw, I now have four friends and a network of 83 million people just waiting to show me their penises via a cheap webcam and msn...Just when I thought life couldn't get any more worthless, along comes another tool to make you think again...

So, until the next time, friend...

"Bathe your feet, comb your hair and get lucky, Dick!" - Henry Kissenger...

Luv etc..."

2006-05-23T17:44:00.000+01:00

In this, the latest, high octane ride through the rancid quagmire that is his life, Mr Sloane reflects on absence, abstinance, absinthe and Ted Bovis...

"...Ah, hello once again dear hearts! I trust that things have been well since my last interventions and moral platidtudes..? Yes, I know it's been a long time but - believe it or not - I have been busy! Yes...it is true...

During these long weeks during which we've been apart, I have been on many fruitless searches for pictures of long forgotten quiz show hosts and sitcom stars...You try and google 'Lenny Bennet' and see what you get!!!

"Why was he doing that?" I hear you gasp..."Who the fuck is Lenny Bennet?" ...No-one knows...But, apparently, someone out there still looks back fondly on Hi-De-Hi and its head of entertainments, Mr Ted Bovis...Look...there he is...Large as life and twice as handsome, as my dear old mum used to say...

Haha!

What Larks Pip!

Anyway...Honestly, I have been doing shit on Dreamweaver - everybodys favourite website making program, and purusing the many, guilty joys that the internet has to offer...

I was also, coincidentally, guilty of suffocating someone...

I also had a hellish journey to Heathrow airport to meet an old friend from Camp Easter Seals-West, and had an evening trying not to look at a Northern girl and her fantastic new boyfriend...Yes...I realise it was a long time ago but I can't seem to let stuff go, me...

...So...oh yes...Absinthe! I'd like some of that...not this pissy shit they flog in trendy winebars in Angel for £6 a shot to media arseholes with fat wallets and small penises...No...I want the Van Gogh-80% proof stuff with the extra wormwood!!! Line 'em up, and let's see them green-eyed faeries...

"Fare thee well, fuckers - I leave you with a heavy heart!" - Richard Nixon, 1974...

love etcetera, sweetcheeks...

Lxxx"

2006-05-02T11:24:00.000+01:00

In this, his latest addition, Mr Sloane realises he is on a hiding to nothing concerning certain subjects and is a slave to the childlike urge to put on a cape and run down Howlands
pretending to fly...

"Ah...hello again you yellow bastards!
What's it like to feel useless? Aged and unloved? Mentally lost in a day-glo, 80's gameshow-like-fog of super-marionated nostalgia..?

Do you really want to know..? Wouldn't you rather be off somewhere reading some highbrow bloggers' theories on the morality of suicide bombing, or perusing through the musings of some wealthy, beautiful Asian bint, as she struggles with unrequited love and lust for the latest nokia video phone..?

...I wouldn't blame you...

...Wait a minute...Just who are you anyway..? Haha!

So, yes...this is my latest instalment in a thrilling roller-coaster ride that is this blog...What's it for, I hear you ask...I wish I knew...Well, I'm too disinfranchised and confused to devote any space herein to the pursuit of gaining personal enlightenment or truth...I'm just a fucking liar like you are! You know what I'm talking about...

...I sometimes just think life would be a lot fucking easier if I could just run into a telephone box, turning around while undoing the bottom two or three buttons on my duffle coat, bursting forth with one arm outstretched, coat flying out behind me - secured by the one toggle at the neck - and running down the road looking for old , discarded packets of Marlboro lights that I can pick up and crush in my fist while shouting out in a squeeky, yankee accent;

"Superman says no to cigarettes!"

...but life just ain't that easy is it...Unless you want a lifetime of Electric shock therapy, restaints and administered medication, you've got to pull you socks up, do your buttons up and register with the Inland Revenue...You've got to daily face rejection, disappointment and stare blankly at the face of the old fucker who's stealing your dreams away from you...from right there in front of you...

And all you can do is shrug your shoulders and say; "Oh well!", or "That's life!", or "Oh God, What's the point!"

Still, at least we can look forward to alleviating the pain with alcohol and guilt free sex...or if you ain't getting any, you can copy pictures, drawn when you were a child, of a misshapen lump of a superman and reflect on how prescient and far-sighted you were then...and how grotesque you are now...

"Cast away mere words, for words become stones..." - Haruki Murakami

"I'd give my world for a little piece of pie...fancy a bit?" - John Prescott

Adieu for now, dearhearts...see you in the sky..."

2006-04-18T17:37:00.000+01:00

In this thrilling installment, Mr Sloane discusses the merits of ploughing one's own furrow, and the joy therein of finding plastic body parts...

"Good afternoon, dearhearts! I trust I have adjusted my settings and I am now being measured in good old GMT - I do not like the feeling of insomnia bought about by allegedly posting a comment at 3:16am...Damn those yankees!

Well...what treasures have I got to impart to you eager, square-eyed young pups today..? I don't really know, to quote Les Dennis impersonating Mavis Riley out of 'Coronation Street'...All that I do know is that snooker is on the televisual unit in my front room, making it hard for me to concentrate on drawing circus-type folk...Best not to ask questions...just carry on as if I weren't here at all...

...go on...I'm listening...

What was I saying..? Oh yes...I was fully intending to comment on an article I read at the weekend about the influence of pornography on our culture...Of course it was all about how young girls simply have to shave/wax themselves up in order to achieve that PPP - Perfect Porno Pussy apparently - & absolutely nothing about all these perfectly smooth balls you see all over the place...Eastern Europeans have a lot to answer for...But, to tell the truth, I'm not intelligent enough to get into serious moral and societical questions...So I'll not bother...

But...Take a look at my latest self-portrait...Aren't lofts great? I wouldn't swap my cheap tub of knock-off mr potato head pieces for a dusty old Turner or a (yawn) Ming vase...Just look at it...A potato in a yellow suit...

"Remember that life can be worth living...all you need is a potato!" - Bob Geldof, 1985.

...Larry Sloane, signing off...and hey...? Be careful out there..."

2006-04-13T11:16:00.000+01:00

In the first of many true life, adrenelin-filled and desperately unfunny postings, Mr Lawrence Sloane sets forth his agenda for this blog...

"Here today we find ourselves, dear friends, at a crossroads...Like Robert Johnson and his near mythic deal with the devil - in which he gave his life early in return for 'Terraplane Blues' - or Miss Diane gently rejecting Benny's advances, we stand...wavering...like so many small, withered penises attempting to piss against the wind...

Many truths are preached to us from the media pulpits, from the strongholds of hox-ton and is-ling-ton...

Lap-dogs are this years must-have, beards are back, the super-hold-'I'm a tosser'-hair-gelled-badger-look is so last season. Abby Titmuss held-up as a post-modern feminist icon...jesus...

What we choose to blindly accept is up to us...But, dearhearts, remember that we only need to open our eyes and once more we shall be able to see...

So, what of this 'blog'..?

Technology frightens me, loose clothing in confined public areas terrifies me and alcohol no longer soothes the pain...What else is there but to rant against anything and everything in this here domain? I'm not sure how this is going to work...I don't know how much longer I can avoid getting an eye test...I don't know who, in fact, is ever going to read this - but the real beauty of all this lies in the fact that I couldn't care less...

Haha!

All I can say is that the one person I can think of to blame for this is Mr Ellerby...This is the result of me asking one too many questions, and telling one too many lies.

So, until the next time, to quote love-stud Shaw Taylor, "Keep 'em peeled"..."